Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
