dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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