I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
