Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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