i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize