When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
