I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
BRING THE BAGELS
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
