She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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