So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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