No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
