Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
