Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
