So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
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It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize