he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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