I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
