I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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