But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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