What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
