Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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