Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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