the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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