Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i think my cat just said my name.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
