I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
