you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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