I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
