You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
