when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
