Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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