Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
