this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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