rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
