my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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