Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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