I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
