i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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