We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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