Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
