I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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