I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
