how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
