we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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