I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
