Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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