Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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