there's paper in my vomit.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
