I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We need to rekindle our bromance
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
