I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
