i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
