I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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