It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
