Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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