I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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