That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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