i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
