The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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