it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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