At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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