he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I want to be your penis for a week.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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