Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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