Fine. I'll sleep in my office
this beer tastes like vomit already
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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