I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
