I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
