I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
