This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
sex in a hospital.. check
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize