I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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